I was 16 when I met you, I remember the day so clearly it may as well have been yesterday. Working at Tim Horton's, skinny and blonde, no make up, uniform and a hair net on, I had no idea what you saw in all of that but you saw something. You came in flirting with me over a poppy seed bagel that burnt my fingers, I couldn't even look at you; just thinking about it, I can still feel what I felt when I first met you... shit is crazy. You'd visit often and I still laugh at the day you came in with Kendra and baby Jin, thinking she was your girl with your baby.. only to find out she was Cue's girl. We exchanged numbers and the rest from there, I would never forget.
Almost 2 solid years together; a lot of bads but we had our goods. No relationship is perfect, ours was far from it but I can honestly sit here and say that I've never ever loved another the way I did with you. What scares me the most is to think that maybe I never will.
The first 6 months were bliss, everything was perfect, I've never been so happy in my life. We had our bumps along the way with my parents not approving of you, the whole school, work, friends thing but it was all minor at the time. I remember I hardly saw my girls because being with you was all I wanted and you felt the same way. You were my late night chef, my in-home movie date, my chauffeur, my shoulder and ears and my sappy homo boyfriend and friend. I remember that dinner you made for our anniversary and how you asked me to dance.. so stupid because it was at home, but so cute because I really wanted a dance with you. It was me and you against the world, we were bonnie and clyde with those missions, and you got away with everything because I was so far gone into what we had.
The fights started to come as I slowly uncovered your secrets. The shady things you lied about, the things you did to hurt me.. I know you didn't do it with the intentions of causing me pain, but you did them and they did to me. I was such a love sickened puppy that anything you did wrong, I let you back so easily; vulnerable to the thought of living a life without you. Losing you would've meant losing so much in memories and in the time we've put in to build us. I wasn't ready for that.
You were my first with many things. You brought me back into our Laos/Thai culture and made me see and appreciate it from a different perspective. You were there when I got my puppy, when I left my job, when I went back to school, when I went to Montreal and Boston with my family, when I got sick, when the inevitable happened and disappeared and more. You were there for everything, so seeing how every fucking place and thing in Aurora and in my house reminded me of you and us, you understand why I had to leave.. Why, after I found out about what had happened to you, I never slept in my bed or in my room ever again. I couldn't do it.. I still can't.
I still remember when it all finally came crashing down.. and how much I hated you for fucking it all up; for not learning and changing when you needed to; for lying to me on how you will change just to keep us, to fix us; for trying to fuck with my head with a proposal, with talks of a future and shit. Wow how mad I was at you. I wanted to kick the shit out of you for making me so angry and bitter. We fought every damn day, over the same shit, playing the same song, doing the same dance; I knew what had to be done.
I fought with myself every hour of every day, arguing with my sanity, always folding to the unreasonable voices in my head telling me to keep you, to give you one more chance, to believe that things will change for the better. You fought for me to stay, but with the wrong ways of showing me.. you fucked up. I remember the day I made that call to end it.. I couldn't breathe, my chest felt like it had the biggest and heaviest knot inside, pain spread through me so quick I almost didn't do it - but you had let me down that morning and put me through hell that week that I made myself go through with it. Hearing you cry, hearing you beg for me to stay, hearing you tell me you love me and you couldn't be without me, that you'll change and you promise.. broke my heart into so many pieces, I don't even know what's left of it. Leaving you was the hardest thing I had to do... I didn't know that losing you would be even harder.
So I left you and I hated you for the next 4 years. I hated you so much that I told you how much I hated you whenever you'd come around and tried to fuck with my head. I hated you so much that I told you to go fuck yourself and die with all the pain and agony you put me through, how you made me trust less and love less thanks to all that you did to hurt me. I told you to never show your face at my job, never call my house, never talk about me to my friends and family behind my back, never message me on facebook and that we have no reason to communicate at all. I hated you with literally all that I had inside of me, I had so much anger and resentment for you, I told myself never again and never will I forgive you.. I didn't care about how much you missed me and how badly you just wanted to talk to me and apologize... how selfish was I?
November 4th 2010, around 3pm, I got a call from my sister who was in tears with a distant tone of voice, something was off. She told me you were gone and my initial reaction was "So what, he'll be back, he always disappears, you know that Amb. Why are you calling me about it for." She explained what she meant to me in detail. My world crumbled around me with every millisecond that passed by and I slowly felt guilty with pain for all that I had said to you over the years... only then did I realize that all my hate for you was just my love transformed into anger. It's been almost year and I'm still working on forgiving and forgetting.
Truth is, you can never forget your first love. We make a memory for forever, we watch it build only to see it fall, we learn what it's like to love, hate, miss and more.. and we let them go. We smarten up on things we fell down from and build a better, more aware inner conscious for our future. I've changed a lot since the ending of him and I.. since I lost him.. and I thank him for it all.. all the bad and good times. Everything. No one will ever understand why I still care, but they weren't there.
I forgive you and myself for everything we've done and put ourselves through.
Still got some love and hate for you; still think about you from time to time; still wish you didn't go out the way you did.
You're forever embedded within my memories.. I smile to the good times.
Rest peacefully sweetie.. fly high and be free.
xoxoxo
&& this one goes out to my 1st love...
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