Investing myself in others, forgetting what I use to be like. Ruthless, sky high, all for myself and just my girls... what the fuck happened? People got caught slipping, I got caught slipping and now I'm feeling the fall. It ain't right; I need to wake the fuck up, snap the fuck out and get back up on my high horse.. this mainstream ride ain't cuttin' it.
We all fall and have our weaknesses, our moments in life where we allow ourselves to let our guards down and put in our time and emotions into something, someone; there's nothing wrong with that but there's something wrong if it consumes the shit out of you and not them. None of that shit, dead it.
2010 has been a great year thus far. We've had crazy nights, really fun messy nights, great mornings, adventures and missions galore... since when did I turn into a chick that sits, waits and hopes for something? Pathetic. I ain't that chick and I need to get right, do me, and stop hanging around shit that jerks me. What happened to our no-drama, no-explanation, worry free nights out?! I tell everyone to do what makes you happy and be around things that make you happy, I should practice what I preach. I should follow through with words from the mind set of what I'm used to hearing.. mine; and tricks better step up if they chirp my way, say word, I'm sick of walking away for others.
2011 is coming; I plan on traveling more, doing more, eating more, seeing more and my appetite has grown... don't get thrown on my menu bitches. I'm hungry; I don't plan on leaving any left overs, no take outs and no fucking repeat orders. Homies trying to tame a wild one, good luck. Better tie a good noose to catch this one and I hope you're quick to keep up, i'm running wild now.
Do you. I'll do me. Nothing's legit until it's written in stones, I've been told.. Ha, right. Time to write a few rough copies and a couple rough drafts.
Gossip.Gossip.Nigga just stop it.
Get off me niggas; I can't breathe with your infested bullshit polluting my air. C'mon son!
Winter's coming and Fall is here.. I hate this time of the year. The cold is creeping in, the leaves are falling from the trees, leaving them bare, single friends are now couples, 2 weeks to his one year anniversary, snow will fall, holidays filled with romantic dinners and jolly nights will be the death of my existence and money. They say I'm bitter because I've done the holidays as a single chick for the past 4 years, they're probably right, but that doesn't stop me from being the holiday grinch. I should vacate the city for Christmas. The only things I like about the holidays are the turkey dinners, boxing day, the reunion of my girls, the return of jazz music and the come back of r&b music. The rest can dead it. =)
I was going to write an inspiring, uplifting post this week because I missed last week's post, but I'm going to say fuck it. Lately, I've been uninspired to write, so fuck it. We'll keep it emo.
Get me back to what it use to be, get me back to me. Get me back to when times were just filled with spontaneous fun, careless nights and eventful days; to when I didn't care too much for things that never bothered me before; to when I could sit by myself out in the summer breeze and have a silent mind; to stupidity and laughter; to serenity. Now. I can't wait for this shit to pass.. this feeling inside me and these two seasons.
Fast forward me to Summer, teleport me to New York or press rewind for '2010. No, bring me back to July and put me it on repeat, I could live with that until March 2011.
I don't mean to be a prude but it's an annual chain of events that I've grown accustomed too, and you really wouldn't understand why I get this way during the holiday season unless you've been through this yearly. It isn't the same, even with everyone around; still going to make it the best holiday ever with our new place and our new things and our new friends and of course, our family of sisterhood.. I'm just saying.. I can't wait until it's March.
On a happier note; HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO PAOLO, QT && TB!!! You guys and the rest of them have made my summer.. best summer since 2007. Let's keep it going ninjaaaas :) xo
Seasons change. &&& &&& &&&
PS; NYC WAS THE ILLEST! Miss everyone out there!! xoxoxoxo We'll be back soon.. y'all know diiiisss maaaaaaaaann!!
Wake up, shower, get ready, pick out your outfit, check the time, go to school/work, beat traffic, study/work, stay aware of your health, stay on top of your finances, pay bills, refill the gas in your car/renew monthly transit passes, check the time, eat all meals if you remember to, try to maintain a healthy & strong relationship with friends, family and loved ones, stress, thoughts, pets, keep your room/house tidy, groceries, check the time, make dinner, pack lunch for tomorrow, see if the weather permits a nice outfit for the next day, check the time, try to sleep, argue with your own insanity, escape for the night with the cousin of death, put that on repeat, give or take a few details, etcetera, etcetera..
Life; with so much running through your mind at once, you always forget that you have the ability to step back and appreciate the simpler things in life. Every so often, I suffer from a case of insomnia that I can only thank myself for with so much shit in my head. It's a bittersweet feeling. Bitter and frustrated from the lack of rest, lack of silence, lack of mental control and lack of sleep; sweet and appreciative from learning that this is when my insanity makes more sense to me realistically, allowing myself to understand my actions and thoughts from a different perspective. If anyone understood what I just said, you'll know that I'm explaining that satisfying feeling of knowing you've just mentally grown as person on your own; acceptance and understanding in a positive manner will bring you far and high when you are in search of your own soul.
There will always be a constant stream of distraction in life no matter where you go, where you stand and what you are doing. I remember when I got caught slipping and what it all felt like from the beginning to the end. The feeling of excitement and adrenaline when it was new was refreshing but discovering that I was investing more than I even knew I wanted to was the show stopper. I walk into every situation in life completely aware of all that is involved, such as factors, probabilities and possible outcomes - so going into this, I knew it what it would do to me, what to expect and how to control my actions.. for the most part. My mind was on OVERLOAD and I didn't have a second of silence to myself, even when I was alone at night. Insomnia is a bitch, but because of that bitch I've learned to handle things a bit easier through realization.. well, easier than how I use to handle it at the least.
Enjoy the simplicity of life. I understand that that's a hard message within itself but it is possible. Step back from all the drama and stress and let life happen one step, one breath and one day at a time. Keep yourself happy and surround yourself with those and things that make you happy. Get back into your hobbies or find one. Spend time alone to discover the soul that lives within. Allow good things to happen and bad things to go. Have faith in anything you do; set goals and strive to achieve them; and know that, even when you feel like you're alone, someone will always be there to support and believe in all that you do. Every now and then we will encounter a whole new lesson that we must learn to practice... The Art of Wanting To Let Go; I'm still working on it...
& && & &&&& & &&&&&& ♥ & &&&& & && &
"Never take someone for granted, hold every person close to your heart, cause you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."
