Now I'm In Your World Like Hip Hop: Life Goes On.

In my lifetime I've said - I hate him; I want him; I had him; I left him.

I don't care what any girl says, women have fucked up minds - men have it bad too but I don't know if it's as bad as ours. I've grown up with the boys so I've heard both sides to a situation and I've learned to understand both sides; because of that, I feel like I have that ability to step back from the psychotic ways sometimes and acknowledge it haha.

I hate him. Time, energy and emotions invested only to get it thrown in your face. Anger, stupidity, disappointment.. all felt within a matter of seconds from seeing something you didn't want to see. Start to remember things you don't want to remember, feel things you don't want to feel and just replay sentences, visual memories and songs that made it real. Why hang on to anything that reminds you of him, that's so stupid. I hate him, I hate what happened, I hate that it went the way it did and I want nothing to do with him. That's the female side. Stepping back, I realize.. life goes on. He will feel what he feels, do what he does and do it without me in thought - so it wasn't done to hurt me. People change, people grow, life goes on and so must I.

I want him. Forbidden fruit, out of my control and not something I should chase. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. Others will frown upon me if I do, others will tell me to follow my instincts and I'll just trip my own mind out with the thought of it all. Is it worth it, is it stupid, is it just all in my head, should get over it and distract myself until it's gone? Fuck, I don't know. Ugh, I need a drink. That's the female side. Stepping back, I realize.. while I sit here and think about it, fuss about it, he's there living his life. He's got things to tend to, I've got life to tend to and unless it's for sure, I should let it go cause life goes on and so must I.

I had him. Warm thoughts, smiles and memories of all that once was. I wonder if he remembers. I wonder if he knows that I wish the best for him. I wonder if he thinks of old times. I wonder if she knows about me and if she was told of only the worst. I wonder if things were different, I wonder if it was the same, I wonder if it never happened at all. I remember that time, I remember how I felt, I remember little things and everything else. That's the female side. Stepping back, I realize.. that what happens in life only happens for you to learn something about yourself. What makes you feel a certain way to a certain situation, what you put your guards up to, what you will and will not tolerate and more. This is all discovered through trials and failures, so accept and live - life goes on.

I left him. Oh I remember him! He was cool, he was funny, sweet guy and a lot of fun. Why'd we end things again? What ever happened to him? All the fun memories but when did it die out? Anyways, I'm sure he's fine and well. I wish him well. He's still a good friend or at least a friend with no resentment. I'll keep in touch with him, he's really nice and I do care. I'm going to bake him cookies :) That's the female side. Stepping back, I realize.. that we need to be more sensitive to those we string along or those we obliviously keep by. We need to remember what it felt like when we were in their shoes and to let things go if it isn't meant to stay. Life goes on, so let them.

This is as vulnerable as I will ever get, so enjoy it assholes. I still hate you, I still want you, I still had you and I still left you - I just understand it more.

ANYWAYS I OWE YOU DINKS SOME PHOTOS FROM THE WEEKEND, soooo.. here we go!