Life is an amazing thing. I can proudly say that I am fortunately blessed with the things that I have in my life. I have my irreplaceable family and relatives that has seen me go through hell and back at least a good hundred times; I have my sisters that have my back through thick and then, good times and bad times, fights and love, everything; my friends that bring me many memories, smiles and happiness; and my presence in this world alone is precious.
Going through life without any support or love is your choice, but I will tell you something, it's better with good people. Every thing that you come across as an obstacle or as a great thing, to have someone there with you to support you and tell you that they are proud of you... it's a whole new thing that no one should miss out on. You are an amazing human being that deserves the world and the galaxy.
With that being said, in the end, all you have is yourself. When all is lost, when your friends and family are not there; you must learn to depend on yourself. You're strength, you're mentality, you're abilities, you're life, you're future is all in your hands. You are in control of your future and you're destiny. Never doubt yourself. What you think and say is not wrong.. do not conform to what they say is right.. why draw within the lines? Get messy, scribble.. society fears anyone that is willing to dare and express themselves.
I love everyone and everything that is in my life, but I love myself the most; flaws and all. Today, I attended a great function at Pleasure and Pain Tattoo. Ink for heart, where half of the proceeds went to the heart and stroke foundation, where people of all kinds came together to receive $40 tattoos and $20 piercings, where there was smiles, love and support all day. I got my first tattoo today,"forever" on my ring finger. What does it represent? My ring finger and I are forever mine, before any man, and whoever I marry (the luckiest dude alive).. I expect forever. Scary? Then run.
I am happy with my choice, my family, my friends and my life. Are you? If not, make a move and get yourself there.. because I promise you, It is the greatest feeling in the world.
I feel invincible. I am on top of the world. Come meet me there.
To you niggas bitin my flows and my subject matter, You'll never be me partner, So it dont fuckin matter.
Is it logical to miss something that was never yours? Memories, feelings and thoughts you sometimes wish never happened to begin with for your own peace in mind; fighting to forcefully rid it all from within you, knowing that it needs to be done, knowing that a part of you still doesn't want to. How do you stop yourself from feeling anything when the source of it all is in plain sight? I want things around me that aren't doing any good for me, call me a masochist. The last time I felt a spark with giddiness, I was sixteen.. sucks that I gotta let this one go. Have you ever seen the movie, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind? Pretty much how I feel sometimes... Oh well.
On a happier note;Big shout out to Ms Ladyluck, recently celebrating her 21st *ahem* birthday. Doing it big every year, once again at Tattoo in Toronto. The memories of ridiculous nights out and bad mornings after can go on for days. No one throws parties out in Toronto like she does, step it up people!
Also, I wanna shout out my girl KC; You guys aint seen a female flow until you seen her go... the way this girl spits makes me wanna marry her. Take a peek;
"brain matter splattered as she speak full powered,clocked thoughts shatter with every houras she devour week minded cowardskush clouds mellow mouths sour,always put a best foot forwardso ya next step is the best stepget it thru ur head, rest -aint what come to term success,u bet and ull get what u get,holdin my breath with my eyes on death,walkin straight past, im on the get backs,jet packs, im on retro like jetsonsgo go KC gadget, wet onerelease kase'ings to cap. somestraight to the dome like a bio reactionunder da fitted with the T-shirt captionLoad the mother ship, This is ur captainpimped up, hoe down, n homie is slackindont botha with sideways mackin,always frontin like dey aint actinas if im da only one worth havini see beyond weak game, so refrainbrethren, listen, sexy nor baby's my name,n u wastin my time aint get us no gain,i need a slick daddy who aint work my brain,everythin he b doin i be doin same,neva wear a collar but im rockin some chains,n jus cuz i lead dont mean that ill strayim a boss bitch, i wont shit where i lay,so i might not sit if im told to stayi work for my money and it works for meneva let much get in between we,n if he down to roll, we can make a squeeze,happily, be the best of threeshe with i and i with she,til he see she with me,jealousyall for one, and one for all, pleaseill still love her even if he leaves."
It's getting close to that time of year! I'm surprised that, with the early snow fall from last weekend, no one has gone crazy with that early Christmas spirit; the later it comes, the less of a bitch I'll be hahaha. Starting my list up already, I don't want to get caught up in that mass hysteria found in all malls during mid-December... those days make me want to hurt people, but obviously I dooon't!
I'll tell you what I am looking forward to this holiday season; turkey christmas dinner! This year we'll host dinner at our place with the girls and the guys. I miss all my girls.. I miss us all at one place, drunk with happiness, stories for days and memories in the making for our future tomorrows.
Ladies, we've come so far. We haven't been able to spend as much time together as before but we all know our sisterhood is concrete. We're all doing different things but we're not far from each other, which I like; and I just wanted to say that I love you all to pieces and I'm very proud of what you've all accomplished as a person, in school and in work. You guys are my irreplaceables and I can't wait until we're old milfs laughing back at our ridiculous adventures and wild nights.
For those who think I'm a total grinch, there are some things I like about the holidays... such as the first snow fall, lightly covering the city, mainly at night; the jazz compositions and soft crooning from Michael Buble and others that invades the malls and restaurants; the smell of pumpkin spice.. I don't personally like to drink or eat it but I love the smell; Gifts and reunions; and did I say turkey yet? MMmmm TURKAAAAY!!!!
I gotta say, I'm pretty excited for this new year to come. Not only am I starting it fresh again, I'm able to say that I get to start it with a few new great additions in friends & family. Every year is different and I'm curious to see how this up and coming year will turn out. Every single one of my girls are going into this new year with a boyfriend and usually I would complain and say they've all abandoned me (bitter side speaking) but I'm really happy for them, being that they've got great guys with them. Y'ALL MAKE ME SICK!
A few more birthdays coming up before the new year.. Jr, you better be eating up plenty bread because you and I both know that you won't be walking out of the club on your birthday; growing up so quick, it scares me sometimes when I forget how old you are. MR's next.. we've seen each other grow since babies, can't wait for your annual princess day!! BG, you better be bringing your ass down here for a night of unspoken wild festivities! Hookman, which I'm sure will be kept quiet; and of course, yours truly. What to do, where to go and what to drink... who knows... but we aaaall know it's always a fun, messy, shit show! I AM SO EXCITED!!
A word from the wise (HAH), let's roll with punches. Take what you've got, good or bad and work with it. If you feel that it is something worthwhile, keep at it until you get what you want. If it's not worthwhile, fuck it up the ass and leave it for the vultures.. they're always hungry.
Family first; Money second; Bitches last.
And always smile at the bitches who hate on you, they love that shit . =)
So maybe I’m a masochist.. I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.
It'll be one year this Thursday since you've gone away; one year this Thursday that I got a call from my baby sister, telling me you wouldn't be around anymore; one year this Thursday when my life changed in so many ways.
I was 16 when I met you, I remember the day so clearly it may as well have been yesterday. Working at Tim Horton's, skinny and blonde, no make up, uniform and a hair net on, I had no idea what you saw in all of that but you saw something. You came in flirting with me over a poppy seed bagel that burnt my fingers, I couldn't even look at you; just thinking about it, I can still feel what I felt when I first met you... shit is crazy. You'd visit often and I still laugh at the day you came in with Kendra and baby Jin, thinking she was your girl with your baby.. only to find out she was Cue's girl. We exchanged numbers and the rest from there, I would never forget.
Almost 2 solid years together; a lot of bads but we had our goods. No relationship is perfect, ours was far from it but I can honestly sit here and say that I've never ever loved another the way I did with you. What scares me the most is to think that maybe I never will.
The first 6 months were bliss, everything was perfect, I've never been so happy in my life. We had our bumps along the way with my parents not approving of you, the whole school, work, friends thing but it was all minor at the time. I remember I hardly saw my girls because being with you was all I wanted and you felt the same way. You were my late night chef, my in-home movie date, my chauffeur, my shoulder and ears and my sappy homo boyfriend and friend. I remember that dinner you made for our anniversary and how you asked me to dance.. so stupid because it was at home, but so cute because I really wanted a dance with you. It was me and you against the world, we were bonnie and clyde with those missions, and you got away with everything because I was so far gone into what we had.
The fights started to come as I slowly uncovered your secrets. The shady things you lied about, the things you did to hurt me.. I know you didn't do it with the intentions of causing me pain, but you did them and they did to me. I was such a love sickened puppy that anything you did wrong, I let you back so easily; vulnerable to the thought of living a life without you. Losing you would've meant losing so much in memories and in the time we've put in to build us. I wasn't ready for that.
You were my first with many things. You brought me back into our Laos/Thai culture and made me see and appreciate it from a different perspective. You were there when I got my puppy, when I left my job, when I went back to school, when I went to Montreal and Boston with my family, when I got sick, when the inevitable happened and disappeared and more. You were there for everything, so seeing how every fucking place and thing in Aurora and in my house reminded me of you and us, you understand why I had to leave.. Why, after I found out about what had happened to you, I never slept in my bed or in my room ever again. I couldn't do it.. I still can't.
I still remember when it all finally came crashing down.. and how much I hated you for fucking it all up; for not learning and changing when you needed to; for lying to me on how you will change just to keep us, to fix us; for trying to fuck with my head with a proposal, with talks of a future and shit. Wow how mad I was at you. I wanted to kick the shit out of you for making me so angry and bitter. We fought every damn day, over the same shit, playing the same song, doing the same dance; I knew what had to be done.
I fought with myself every hour of every day, arguing with my sanity, always folding to the unreasonable voices in my head telling me to keep you, to give you one more chance, to believe that things will change for the better. You fought for me to stay, but with the wrong ways of showing me.. you fucked up. I remember the day I made that call to end it.. I couldn't breathe, my chest felt like it had the biggest and heaviest knot inside, pain spread through me so quick I almost didn't do it - but you had let me down that morning and put me through hell that week that I made myself go through with it. Hearing you cry, hearing you beg for me to stay, hearing you tell me you love me and you couldn't be without me, that you'll change and you promise.. broke my heart into so many pieces, I don't even know what's left of it. Leaving you was the hardest thing I had to do... I didn't know that losing you would be even harder.
So I left you and I hated you for the next 4 years. I hated you so much that I told you how much I hated you whenever you'd come around and tried to fuck with my head. I hated you so much that I told you to go fuck yourself and die with all the pain and agony you put me through, how you made me trust less and love less thanks to all that you did to hurt me. I told you to never show your face at my job, never call my house, never talk about me to my friends and family behind my back, never message me on facebook and that we have no reason to communicate at all. I hated you with literally all that I had inside of me, I had so much anger and resentment for you, I told myself never again and never will I forgive you.. I didn't care about how much you missed me and how badly you just wanted to talk to me and apologize... how selfish was I?
November 4th 2010, around 3pm, I got a call from my sister who was in tears with a distant tone of voice, something was off. She told me you were gone and my initial reaction was "So what, he'll be back, he always disappears, you know that Amb. Why are you calling me about it for." She explained what she meant to me in detail. My world crumbled around me with every millisecond that passed by and I slowly felt guilty with pain for all that I had said to you over the years... only then did I realize that all my hate for you was just my love transformed into anger. It's been almost year and I'm still working on forgiving and forgetting.
Truth is, you can never forget your first love. We make a memory for forever, we watch it build only to see it fall, we learn what it's like to love, hate, miss and more.. and we let them go. We smarten up on things we fell down from and build a better, more aware inner conscious for our future. I've changed a lot since the ending of him and I.. since I lost him.. and I thank him for it all.. all the bad and good times. Everything. No one will ever understand why I still care, but they weren't there.
I forgive you and myself for everything we've done and put ourselves through. Still got some love and hate for you; still think about you from time to time; still wish you didn't go out the way you did. You're forever embedded within my memories.. I smile to the good times.
Rest peacefully sweetie.. fly high and be free. xoxoxo
